‘So, you guys still dating?’
‘Welp, life sucks for you.’
I’ve never known until now how painful those first three words are, how much a punch in the throat and a kick in the heart it was. I misunderstood the cut throat of words. I never took myself to be a love sick puppy.
So, for the past couple of days, i’ve been taking things easy. And, to be honest- I feel happy. it’s like a weight as been lifted from my shoulders and my heart is as light as a feather. Well that’s what i said before i burst out into tears and rolled around on the floor. We’re still friends, but i’ve had to spend some time alone. Night one of breaking up, i spent my night writing a story about how depressed i was, taking my sadness out on a made up boy who had broken his leg. Night two, i listened to sad romantic songs from the Lumineers and sung along as i cried into my book. (Do i sound like a middle aged, no hoper yet?) under the soft orange glow of my desk light. third night, i wrapped myself up into my blankets and pretended to be my five year old self’s imaginary friend, Snow flake. Just last night, i got a pair of scissors out and looked at a rainbow beaded anklet that has been tied around my right ankle for over a year. Without even thinking, i snipped it off and put it in the bin. I finished my book, only for the dog to die at the end. Do you know how fluffing hurtful that is?!?! I cried myself to sleep and smashed the book over Jamie’s head when she said it wasn’t a ‘real’ problem. I see why you need hard cover books.
The same night, i ransacked my cupboard and spread all my Polaroid pictures of her and i. The faded border and the over exposed colours in the picture made it look old, feel old, like an antique that should have been destroyed if it weren’t for her innocent smile. I picture of her still hangs above me working area, a small snippet of her and i dressed up as mimes, ready to scare a bunch of little kids.
Today i doodled a picture of her dancing. She’s a hell of a dancer. I wouldn’t be surprised if she makes it into the tv business with her acting and dancing capabilities. Closest thing to Michelle Fyfer that i’ve ever seen…. I looked at the drawing and smiled, tracing my pencil over the details of her bright face. I then scrunched it up and chucked it onto the messy floor that was already littered with paper. I looked at the birthday card she gave me when i turned fourteen, one she made herself. I put it in a box full of drawings i drew when i was five years old and old letters from pen pals in Germany. I stuck up pictures of figmentave imagination right above my bed, pictures of kids jumping from planet to planet and a giant cat floating through space. it makes me feel like nothing is real, and i silently hoped it would give me happy dreams, but i don’t dream down here.
I considered smashing my happiness jar, but instead banged my head on the wall. Did you know you burn 150 calories doing that?
Any who, i guess i can say life sucks~ i’ve been feeling alone. i feel like i’m apart of a one person team, but that’s okay. I look up, and smile. Because in the words of Bob Marley, everything is gonna alright. Even if your favourite character in a book dies.
But, i guess life is just a never ending book. Your favourite character dies, but you learn to move on. Because, it is your job to keep reading, and find out how your story ends.
I guess there is a happy ending. Tomorrow i fly home early in the morning, and i can finally see my family again.