Broken heart, dead friends, lost memories

 

‘So, you guys still dating?’

‘Nope.’

‘Welp, life sucks for you.’

I’ve never known until now how painful those first three words are, how much a punch in the throat and a kick in the heart it was. I misunderstood the cut throat of words. I never took myself to be a love sick puppy.

So, for the past couple of days, i’ve been taking things easy. And, to be honest- I feel happy. it’s like a weight as been lifted from my shoulders and my heart is as light as a feather. Well that’s what i said before i burst out into tears and rolled around on the floor. We’re still friends, but i’ve had to spend some time alone. Night one of breaking up, i spent my night writing a story about how depressed i was, taking my sadness out on a made up boy who had broken his leg. Night two, i listened to sad romantic songs from the Lumineers and sung along as i cried into my book. (Do i sound like a middle aged, no hoper yet?) under the soft orange glow of my desk light. third night, i wrapped myself up into my blankets and pretended to be my five year old self’s imaginary friend, Snow flake. Just last night, i got a pair of scissors out and looked at a rainbow beaded anklet that has been tied around my right ankle for over a year. Without even thinking, i snipped it off and put it in the bin. I finished my book, only for the dog to die at the end. Do you know how fluffing hurtful that is?!?! I cried myself to sleep and smashed the book over Jamie’s head when she said it wasn’t a ‘real’ problem. I see why you need hard cover books.

The same night, i ransacked my cupboard and spread all my Polaroid pictures of her and i. The faded border and the over exposed colours in the picture made it look old, feel old, like an antique that should have been destroyed if it weren’t for her innocent smile. I picture of her still hangs above me working area, a small snippet of her and i dressed up as mimes, ready to scare a bunch of little kids.

Today i doodled a picture of her dancing. She’s a hell of a dancer. I wouldn’t be surprised if she makes it into the tv business with her acting and dancing capabilities.  Closest thing to Michelle Fyfer that i’ve ever seen…. I looked at the drawing and smiled, tracing my pencil over the details of her bright face. I then scrunched it up and chucked it onto the messy floor that was already littered with paper. I looked at the birthday card she gave me when i turned fourteen, one she made herself. I put it in a box full of drawings i drew when i was five years old and old letters from pen pals in Germany. I stuck up pictures of figmentave imagination right above my bed, pictures of kids jumping from planet to planet and a giant cat floating through space. it makes me feel like nothing is real, and i silently hoped it would give me happy dreams, but i don’t dream down here.

I considered smashing my happiness jar, but instead banged my head on the wall. Did you know you burn 150 calories doing that?

Any who, i guess i can say life sucks~ i’ve been feeling alone. i feel like i’m apart of a one person team, but that’s okay.  I look up, and smile. Because in the words of Bob Marley, everything is gonna alright. Even if your favourite character in a book dies.

But, i guess life is just a never ending book. Your favourite character dies, but you learn to move on. Because, it is your job to keep reading, and find out how your story ends.

I guess there is a happy ending. Tomorrow i fly home early in the morning, and i can finally see my family again.

Please don’t take my sunshine away

Right now I’m hurting. I’m hurting a lot.  I obviously misunderstood the devastation known as heart break. At first, I thought it would be a weight lifted off my shoulders, but, I know I cannot leave a burning wreckage without some kind of scar. my heart aches, but I’m all dried up, the tears are gone. I said I understood, and I smiled, and I felt happy, but then you disappeared and then I realised-

I am lonely.  I feel so, so, so lonely. And no matter how much tea, writing and reading I do, I still cannot fill up this empty hole in my heart. I’ve looked at the cover of my favourite book but turned the other way, welling up with tears. Chocolate has turned into a more unhealthy co-dependent relationship than what I ever had with you.

When I was younger and wondered what it would feel like to be loved, I was excited but worried. Love wasn’t meant to hurt, was it? I never understood why a person would fall head over heals for someone, I thought it was all superficial, materialistic and stereotypical stuff just for teenagers. But, now I know. I would have scaled mountains for you. I would have done anything for you.  You might not love me anymore the way you used to, but…I will love you forever and ever. You gave me wings and taught me how to fly, but I’m my own person now.  I see why people cry over love now.

I may leave your mind, but you will never leave mine, my darling.

Today I lost my other half, but, I should have seen it coming. You were what gave me the power to be proud of who I am, and I will always love you for that. It’s going to be a hard couple of weeks. To me, you were still the person who was my sunshine, my only sunshine.you made me happy when skies were grey. You never know dear, how much I loved you,

Please, don’t take my sunshine away

Always.

I’m hurting. But, I will try to keep fighting. Relationships come and go, but that doesn’t mean you lose who you are. Keep fighting. I will treasure my memories of you, you laughing, giving me piggy backs, holding my hand as we waded through murky water, holding my shirt so I didn’t fall off the rocks into the rapids, us running through the rainy festival of sparkling dusk lights, you mailing me a giant package of objects to remember my friends, you singing me happy birthday with your own home made cake when I had no family with me. You were my family.

Thanks for the memories (o^ ^o)

Tiny memories in a Happiness jar ♡

“Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?” ~ Pink Floyd

My most favourite, special song in my entire life is ‘Wish you were here’ by Pink Floyd. Pink Floyd approaches and musically show cases various social and mental problems such as abandonment, fear, war, love, sex, depression, drugs, and disconnection. Withdrawal from life, unregistering oneself from what is going on around you, and comfortably numb in a lonely state that shows no colour. Everyone and thing is depleted of life.

The song was written when a friend of the singer went through this disconnection. He was there with them, but he was also not there. He was as empty as the world he could not perceive any longer. The song first enter your ears with radio static and in poor quality, like what you would here on a radio. This emphasises disconnection, from everything. Everything is distant, and nothing comes through clear anymore.

A young child, with high hopes. They grow up, with high hopes.

They lose their mind in the society they have been placed into. They were there, but also were not there. They were nothing.

I was nothing, and for everyone and thing i cared for, they were nothing more then the colour bars, meaningless shapes that scream a high pitched voice and display themselves across the dull television screen. The interference static drained my ears and left no room for love. I felt empty, but i did not care at all. People died and bombs blew up but i thought maybe the bombs were okay. I mean-

We gawk at our ‘amazing’ abilities. We can go to the depths of the oceans, we can get photos from mars. We can even walk on the moon. We are just so, so proud of how advanced we are as a society. But, we are nothing more then a pitiful group of eager carbon based life forms who pat themselves over the shoulder and endorses in privileges while people die from simple hunger. Simple, simple hunger. Aren’t we just so advanced?

Before, i believed we are so stupid, and we mean nothing, one single bit. We will continue to live happily in our world, making ourselves happy by being a successful, but it will mean nothing in the end. We are nothing in the end.

No one is anything, and they mean no sense to me. to me, the people who tried to talk came through like waves, distance and nonsensical. The stupid shapes just kept screaming. We’re nothing more then fish in a fish bowl. We pay money, just to get a main role in a cage.

I cried repeatedly, and everything broke me down to tears but i never had a proper reason.

I’m better now, and i see beauty in life. I still cry a lot, but i’m passionate for what i do, the people i love and the people in the world i want to help. I know i mean something, Sure, to the universe we are tiny, but i believe we are the universe just experiencing itself. We are special, and we are who we think we are.

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One thing that has made me smile when things get sad is a happiness jar. Too often, i take for granted all the good things of life as they are flooded over with sad things. Once a week, pick your most happiest memory, and write in down. Put it in a jar. After one year of this, open up the jar and look at all your good memories. These good memories are you, and if we take these for granted, we lose sight of what life is all about.

I sometimes lose myself to thinking how i have no idea what i am- but, i just sit down (cry a little), sushi roll myself into a blanket and drink tea and read a good book. okay is okay.

I highly recommend a happiness jar. It sounds super cheesy, but i am not exaggerating when i say this thing brings a smile to my face.

Aim to make some one smile today 😀 a little act of kindness can make someone’s day ❤

If you put potato and Frittata togethor, you get Pattata

So, today we had a workshop in which we had to write nothing but our thought process for five minutes. Just, anything. Do not stylise, do not put effort into it. Just write what comes to mind onto paper. An activity that is sure to peel back the layers of an individual, revealing complex emotions of dark and deep voids. This is what i wrote.

Pangolins are cute. I like Panguins (Benedict Cumberbatch said that) and i want to try strawberry crumbly (crumble) because Amy said it was really good. If you put Potato and Frittata together, you get a Pattata. Potatoes are tasty. Dini reminded me of that funny cheese skit where people through cheese at a UFO. When i see a parrot, i see a bird. I want a bird. I don’t like the blue pen because it gave me cramps. I want to be an author. I hope Manchee doesn’t die. Should I feel guilty for setting off fireworks?? I mean no on died.  I miss home, and i want to muster in my car. I want to travel the world and stop terrorism and save everyone. I hate coriander. My sandwich at lunch time was pretty good, but Steph called it food poisoning. Does anyone even like me? Do i actually have friends who like me, or am i dead weight? Am i being lied to? I feel very alone. I can not wait to go back to draw and drink sugary coffee in my Pusheen mug. I feel sorry for Max, why am i a terrible person? The word of the day is scornful. I feel kind of happy but i miss my dog Patchy. And my cats, and my Guinea pigs Who is at fault and why are jelly beans disgusting?? Ew, maybe because of Rick and Morty.

These thoughts are very deep, i know, i know…… Have a good day everyone and please google pictures of Pangolinsヽ(o^ ^o)ノ

 

But, what’s the point?~ A letter to my brother

My brother is younger then me, but he is already so talented. He is a creative, and Charlie, the amount of times i said i wish you weren’t around, remember i don’t mean it.

You are misunderstood often, and even though you hate the description, you’r a delicate soul. You have a wonder lust spirit that can easily be put out with a pinch of insecurity. You lack confidence, and anti-confidence are the walls that hold back the vibrant and whimsical worlds in your head. When you do express yourself, i cannot beleive wht i see. You can bend and mold metal into art i never could think of, and you can draw dreams with nothing but your head and a pen. You make miriads of music woven from dreams. I know right now you don’t understand. You’ve lost hope in this world, and you see all this as nothing more then a little blip in the universe- But what you do and make is what makes you worthwhile. You are kind, but that’s not to say you coat that in heavy insults at me full of dead pan humour. But i can see through how you care for animals. Your a special person. But you’r still flawed, but hey, who isn’t?

You don’t see the point in all you do, you get deppressed easily and you don’t see how special you are. Your a deep thinker, too bad for your own good. As a little kid, you were the space cadet, lost in a million stars on planet mars, but now your lost in your own head.

This letter is to Charlie, and to all people like Charlie. A young child and their imagination stuck in a state of despair. A young child crying out to be heard within the life of a growing adult. So, this is one last thing for my brother… No one exists on purpose, but it’s our job to give our existance purpose. And i know you can do amazing things.

Shine on you crazy diamond.

The universe just decided I needed to go home a little bit earlier today

 

Also, please do check out this fantastical song, it is absolutely beautiful and i listen to this as i type away: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54-1oCJC1Y8

They are an amazing musician, and make a dreary day like this somewhat better ^-^

Tears trickled down my face as i looked at the glowing messages window. I buried myself under the covers, hugging myself for some kind of comfort but i don’t deserve to be like this, i’m not the one in pain, even if i think i am. Right now, everything hurts, my legs from all the running, my head from the static poison and my heart- from knowing i may very well have been the cause to the effect-an evil one.

It all started yesterday. She had gone of for a meeting, but never came back. Hours went by, but we never saw her. I could feel dread slowly creeping in and my head started jumping to dramatic, yet scarily possible, events. I walked through the endless hallways in contemplation while the other misfits thought up ideas.

‘Maybe, a panda abducted her!’ One of my friends mused, another grimaced and muttered in sarcastic attack. ‘Maybe she fell down the endless stairs.’ Well, who’d be surprised? the stairs are an absolute menace and i am personally surprised no one has died of them yet.

I smiled, then i saw the nurse.

‘Why do i think it is my fault? Whenever she disappears, why do i think i give her heartache? My mind, without any hesitation and with full certainty, screams i’m the one who drains her. Or am i really?

But, as soon as she told me her reason, my heart plummeted. ‘The universe just decided i needed to go go home a little earlier today.’

She’s somewhat like me-She thinks to much. About our existence, her self worth, who she is, why she’s here and why there are people around her. She’s gone through too much. A major existentialist, telling me she had to leave to go home early because the universe said so. Her mind is abstract, alternative, and out of the ordinary and something you cannot measure. But, i guess that is all humans? that is what makes us unique, sets us apart. As Stephen Hawking said, we’ve been granted the ability to think, to comprehend and to explore concepts that are beyond our life needs. Also, the moral sense of right from wrong, is what sets us apart from animals….But that’s what makes us the the most evil species.

But, that is not the point. She’s different from most carbon based lifeforms….She’s a massive thinker, and this is where thinking too much gets you.

My brother is currently going through a crisis in which he cannot stop thinking about the end of the world. I guess everyone gets these feeling, but…..for him, it is a realisation, a dreaded true fact that show cases how insignificant we really are, how unimportant and how quickly our entire existence can be taken from existence. My brother cannot leave behind these thoughts, and now he’s going through depression, trying to find himself.

I still get the crises sometimes, but i do not think it is something i will leave behind. My family is riddled with emotional and mental problems, and thinking too much is just how it goes. But, i divert attention else where. To my writing, through my guitar, and within my illustrations.

But, i haven’t heard a single word from her for a couple of days now, and i begin to worry. This isn’t the first time, and she’s sensible, but it still pains me knowing she is in pain. She beats around the bush, as you may tell, and coates her dark thoughts in sweet whimsical words that dance as riddles.

I’m going to end it here so i am not rambling on forever(〃>_<;) I don’t know what this classifies under, this is honestly my rambling about her, and hoping she is okay, and contemplating the universe. But, next time i post i hope to share a little bit more insight into my family, particularly my brother. Strange, strange person he is.

Have a gorgeous day everyone, and comment below what you think too much about

(ω<)

(Also, i am looking into purchasing a wacom- You know, one of those High tech thingomabobs which covert whatever you draw onto the screen? I’m not the most most richest person alive, and i have a macbook air-anyone who is experienced in this department, what do you recommend?)

Warp minded Puppeteer

Everyone has a puppeteer of some kind, even if they are unaware of it. That is because, even though they distort the reality in front of you, they hide, hidden as the victim and working on the sidelines to manipulate you. For some individuals, puppeteers are people, and for some, the puppeteer is themselves, or deep within the subconscious like a sickening poison. We have all encountered a puppeteer, a sick twisted enigma who victimize themselves and appear caring to you- Hiding behind a humane and loving mask that wraps you with comfort. They will abuse you, contorting your mind into knots as you get caught up in the strings. In the mean time, you don’t know which side to take because they have seeped in like human born parasites to fracture the mirror and to obscure the truth.  Inhumane, demeaning, and warped, puppeteers will always be there, but you will never know until it is too late. The mental torture inflicted upon you is the chaos generated from the Puppeteer’s strings. They may seem like creatures of another world, but puppeteers walk as humans and are the humans.

Hope everyone is doing well ^-^

The Versatile Blogger award

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Why hello once again my lovely tomatoes ☆⌒(≧▽ ° )

Ahhhhh…..honestly, you guys are the absolute best, the support is absolutely heart warming….Thank you. I’ve only just started the blogging life and already i know just how special and welcoming this community is….It’s truly lovely.

so, i have been nominated for the Versatile blogger award by Shreya  Vohra, and for that, thank you! it’s awesome to be nominated, and i highly recommend you tomatoes  check out her blogging website here: https://phoenixwithapen.wordpress.com

So, without further ado, let’s get down to business!

Rules for the nominations:
• Thank the person who nominated you.
• Nominate up to 15 bloggers for this award and inform them.
• Share seven facts about yourself.
• Put the logo of Versatile Blogger in your post and display the rules also.

Seven facts about myself
1.My life blood is literally tea and coffee

  1. I have an irrational fear of people
  2. I am a huge believer of Buddha, and the happiness we get through kindness
  3. I have been to America, Cambodia, China and Bali
  4. I have a bald patch from depression
  5. I am a huge animal lover (especially dogs and cats) and one day i will be the creepy crazy cat person you don’t want your kids talking to
  6. I am very clumsy, and it has gotten to the point where i have locked both myself and multitudes of people in a room by accident.

Now, here are all the very deserving bloggers i have nominated:

-Fearful adventurer

-Will (marking our territory)

-The tantrums of silence

-aespheticallae

-Sanjana

-A writer’s voice

Have an awesome day everyone .:*:‘(**)))

Unique Blogger Award (°◡°♡)

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Warm welcomes my lovely tomatoes :3 So, I am very ecstatic and grateful to say that I have recently (among many other very deserving writers) been nominated for the unique blogger award of 2017. As a passionate writer who is new to blogging, this… Is very special for me, and I am very proud and over the moon. It means so, so much that my writing means something somewhere, i make it my goal to spread my words further to inspire hope (and well, just rant about my irrational feelings). And, I would like to say a heart felt thank you to The Shining Gem ( https://theshininggem.wordpress.com) who nominated me. I highly recommend you check out his blogs as he is such an amazing writer who’s just so passionate with every word written….

Here are the rules as follows☆⌒(ゝ。∂)

-Share the link of the blogger who has shown love to you by nominating you.

  • Answer the questions.
  • In the spirit of sharing love and solidarity with our blogging family, nominate 8-13 people for the same award.
  • Ask them 3 questions.

Do you believe in Parallel worlds?

Yes, i do believe in the concept, and in fact, i quite enjoy entertaining the idea in my head…. I beleive we live in a very big place, a place where there are indeed alternate realities generated from the ‘what if’. The ‘what if’ that is the small choices that create various endings. We as humans are insignificant to the actions we make and the butter fly effect that happens after, the substance of spirals of realities.

What inspired you the most, when you bounce back into the realm of sadness?

When I do go through a ‘state’ and all life is depleted from who I am, or when I question who I identify as i take comfort in just….it’okay to be okay. You don’t have to be very happy and completely un-saddened…But, just to wake up and say; ‘I’m okay.’ To coast along as just ‘fine’ is alright, and you don’t have to be anything more. I also take inspiration from listening to music and tuning into the world, not like our own. To explore the very special thing called imagination. Imagination was what saved me, and is a retreat.

Jot down your favourite lyrics

This is a snippet of Awolnation’s ‘Kill your heroes.’ This song actually has a very depressing undertone that generates a sense of whimsical throughout the song but…It is really just inspiring, and taught me to just live my dream, but not in someone’s shadows because the sky is the limit and it will all be nothing in the end.

I say ya kill your heroes and fly, fly, baby don’t cry.
No need to worry ’cause, everybody will die.
Every day we just go, go, baby don’t go.
Don’t you worry we love you more than you know.

And now, here are all the very deserving bloggers I have nominated:

-Fictionspawn monster

-Shreya Vohra (Phoenix with a pen)

-Nusrath Sariffo’deen

-Will (Marking our Territory)

-Thoughts of a curious girl

-Aespheticallae

-Mingophoto

-Meaningful Malarkey

-Maryam

Yinglan

All of these writers show case such awesome writing through their own special quirks… All nominated, I ask you to answer the same questions I have answered. For those who have read my writing, thank you so much for being supportive, and never cease to lose hope or inspiration for your creative self~

Have an absolutely fantabulous day, and shine on you crazy diamonds (⌒▽⌒)♡

 

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